Ah 2016, I will always remember you as the Great Demise of Dayna G, but as I like to say, what goes down must come up.
Let me explain, I have always had a heart full of hope for the better, regardless of what situation I find myself in. If I fail, I will try again. If I cry, I will wipe away my tears. If I fall, I will get back up. Hence:
“What goes down, must come up”
This particular fall, however, was significantly more painful than previous falls and I seriously doubted whether I was going to get back up.
Starting Off With a Bang
The commencement of 2016 was particularly difficult for me to endure. In January, our family was notified that my uncle (my dad’s oldest brother) was murdered in Mexico in one of the country’s most crime ridden cities, Acapulco. He was the first death that my family experienced, so it was no surprise that everyone was devastated.
Two months later, my grandpa (my dad’s dad) passed away due to a late discovery of a tumor found in his liver. He was distraught in silence afraid of displaying immense heartache, for you see, the men of the house are supposed to be strong. Seeing my dad try to be the rock of the family after his father and brother died with melancholy eyes was one of the hardest things I had to witness.
Two months after that, my marriage crumbled due to the build up of several issues that I decided to ignore because I feared confrontation. There were messages between him and other women that I questioned. His behavior with his female coworkers were also suspicious. I often tried to pour my heart out in order to better understand his perception, yet, he paid no mind. I attempted to sheepishly request that he respect our home and not have parties filled with drunken men and women every single weekend just because his brother thought it would be “lit”; however, he disregarded my requests and justified that he worked all week and the least he deserved was the weekend to wind down forgetting the fact that I, too, worked a full time job. The lack of trust, communication, respect, and many other factors eroded what was left of our “holy” matrimony. I decided to leave “John” and take my daughter with me.
AND JUST LIKE THAT, FOUR YEARS OF MARRIAGE, GONE.
I found myself in an emotional whirlwind. I had just gotten out of a toxic relationship and I felt as if an unbearable amount of weight had been lifted off my shoulders. The only problem(s):
I did not have a home of my own
I was heartbroken
I could not console my dad
I had a restless toddler
I gained 45 pounds
I had no self-confidence
My self-esteem was lower than the economy in 2008
After the separation, I felt unattractive and worthless, therefore, I felt as if I was incapable of adding any sort of value to any aspect of my life: in my profession, at home, as a mother, or socially. No one had told me that I was unattractive, no one had said that I was less than anyone else directly, I just felt that way.
I drew conclusions, as a person often does, irrationally. My post-separation thought process was this:
- My ex-husband didn’t respect my wishes as his wife, therefore, I was not worth being listened to.
- My ex-husband lusted after any woman that walked by, therefore, I was a fat slob because I gained weight.
- I decided to leave a toxic relationship, but I had a daughter, therefore, I didn’t consider how this would affect her and now I’m a bad mother.
To make matters worse, I found out that my ex-husband had gotten another woman pregnant 3 months after we separated. Yes, the one co-worker he assured me that he had nothing going on with despite the several suggestive messages between the two.
Anyway, at this point, my self-esteem was shot with no chance at recovery. I felt as if I had been woken up by the deafening wail of an alarm and life was blowing a blowhorn to my face every five seconds.
It was OVERWHELMING and I did not understand why I was going through so much. It seemed unfair. At that moment, I thought that this going to be life forever: a tragic event after the next without any sign of making it in life.
Or at least, that’s what I thought.
The Demise of 2016 pushed me down like a sixth grade bully pushing the frail first grader to the ground causing him to lose his breath; but it allowed me to get in touch with my inner strength. Of course, it didn’t seem this way initially, but much later, I realized that I was pretty strong, emotionally.
I tell you about these experiences because they happened almost consecutively. It was definitely a challenge, but I decided one day that enough was enough. I went down hard, but I brushed myself off and got up.
Keeping in mind that my current situation was most certainly not going to be my final destination.
Today, I am here, happier than ever, excited to greet each day with a smile and a positive thought. If it wasn’t for a little light that I saw at the end of the tunnel, I don’t know where I would be today.
I found an outlet that I did not know was going to change my life forever, gym, you little light of mine.
To be continued…
Until Next Time.